Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Filthy Cat People Have Put a Hex on Me

Your beloved Teezy and his house of Steeze is being plagued by a pox more foul than Lindsay Lohan's art direction for Ungaro and her spray-tan juice combined.

You may have noticed in some of my past musings that I may have inadvertently mentioned my dear and beloved friends the filthy cat people here and there.

It seems that some of my comments have been taken out of context by the filthy cat lover community and they now feel somewhat maligned by me.

As of late, I have become aware of certain abnormal activities around my person and my home. I have come to the conclusion that the only individuals who could possibly be responsible for these abnormalities are filthy cat people.

Whenever I step out of my front door I am confronted with growls, hisses and assorted cat shrieks—strangely I haven't seen a single cat, just rustling in the bushes around my home.

When I have the pleasure of passing one of the numerous feral felines that grace my fair city, their ears go flat, they expose their teeth and stare at me until I am out of eyesight.

I honestly thought that this was just a simple misunderstanding that would eventually clear itself.

Until, I woke up to this:




The demon cat face apparition appeared in the koi pond. It is made a solid ice and it's eyes seem to follow me around the courtyard.

Why, filthy cat people, do you hate me so?

I think that some of my comments have been misinterpreted.

When I said that you reek of cat piss and your lives are comprised of nothing more than pebble covered turds, I was trying to convey my deep appreciation and admiration for the way you so skillfully and graciously tend to our little kitty friends. I in no way believe that it is twisted and beyond revolting to willingly keep a box of gravel and cat shit in your home, or trailer, or tent, or wherever the hell it is that you people live.

I was also sincere when I expressed my desire to share carpet cleaning tips with you. Although I haven't experienced the luxury of having animals defecate in my home or even around my immediate proximity, I do believe that my carpet could only be improved by utilizing whatever industrial-strength disinfectant the ASPCA uses to neutralize the biohazards you call home.

So, there you have it, just a simple misunderstanding.

In order to end the curse that you have placed upon me and my home, I wish to extend the proverbial olive branch to all my filthy cat people friends.

I would like to introduce you to the newest additions to the Teezy family:

Mr Pickles

Ticklebits

Mr. Pickles and Ticklebits!! I have named them after two of my favorite things, pickles and (of course) my ticklish bits.

I have even taken the advice from one of my bestie cat lady friends and have knitted Ticklebits a sweater and hat from residual cat hair. (I call it catschmere). As you can see, I had to shave him to get the fur instead of gleaning it from the vacuum cleaner, but it is winter here and I thought it best not to wait for the hair to fall out naturally.

Although Mr. Pickles and Ticklebits are not currently living in my home, you must believe that I am diligently working on adopting them from the local shelter but, as many of you may know, adoption is an extremely political process and could take a very long time to finalize.

Wish me luck!

Now, will you please remove this demon cat face apparition from my courtyard:




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Monday, December 7, 2009

Santa Claus Tears

Here is a video of the Santa Claus tears from my office window that I mentioned in my last post.

Santa is crying for his poor little Teezy that no one seems to love.

Alas, the first week of December is behind us and I have only received one gift.

Stop torturing Santa—send presents!



email me: Teezy



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The Curse of the White Rain

The photo above is looking down the street from my house. I took it this morning before I left for work. The clouds have already started to descend which tells me that we are about to be plagued by the curse of the white rain...

I am now sitting in my office, looking out the window (yes that is what I get paid to do), watching some major snowage—the sky is even white which means that the snow is not going to stop for quite some time.

I think that it is actually Santa Claus tears. He is crying because I have only received one Christmas gift so far and that saddens him.

Make Santa happy and send me stuff!

email me: Teezy



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Friday, December 4, 2009

Embracing the Change

I have decided to embrace my metamorphosis into an oblivious soccer mom and filthy cat person as so eerily predicted by Blogger.

I wish to envelope myself in filthy cat people culture and cuddle up in the warm snuggie that is the oblivious soccer mom lifestyle.

My ultimate goal: To become a FCPILF and an OSMILF and build my own pornographic empire catering to the intimate desires of filthy cat people and oblivious soccer mom devotees. I believe this is a vast and untapped (pun intended) market in need of a leader. (You know they have to be into all sorts of crazy-ass kink and have no current outlet for their "needs".)

But I know nothing of either of these two distinct and highly erotic fetishes.

So I must learn.

I began with this little German film about the secret underground soccer mom counter-culture. There are no subtitles, but I think we can all understand the subtle body language.



Aroused much? I know I am!

I will be trolling Ebay over the weekend for a groovy soccer outfit and will practice my "moves" until I too can display myself in true erotic soccer fashion.

Did you see the sexually charged audience applauding with eager and willful abandon in the film? I long for the same applause and to live in a world where there is no shame associated with the forbidden dance of soccer. I am sorry to say that for most of my life I thought that soccer was just some sort of stupid game. Europe is sooo progressive.

The filthy cat people culture is even more intriguing—they have wigs!


Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs from Julie Jackson on Vimeo.

Out of my way Glamourpuss! Teezypuss is on it now.

I have done a brief internet search and have not found any good filthy cat people porn sites. There is a lot of soccer mom crap but, strangely, it is all pictures of middle aged women—who wants to look at that? (friggin pervs!!)

My FCPILF and OSMILF sites will provide me with the glamour and fame of Paul Little—I will be worshiped and admired by all the filthy cat people and oblivious soccer moms throughout the world!

Watch out SILF's! Here I come...


email me: Teezy


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Santa Fe Film Festival

The 10th annual Santa Fe Film Festival will be over this weekend. I haven't posted about it before because it is kinda flying under the radar here.

The festival has hired a large and well-respected PR firm for it's marketing, but as of today I have not heard anything about it on the radio or local news, no posters, no banners, no flyers or postcards, and, other than their own website, I haven't found much on the internet either. I am supposing that the marketing and outreach was concentrated elsewhere with the hopes of bringing people into Santa Fe, but I probably would have made an effort to see more of the films had I known when the festival had started and what movies, lectures, etc. were happening. My only clue was a big vinyl "Box Office" banner that I pass on my way to work every day—great publicity.

Perhaps there was some write-up in the local newspaper, but I, like the majority of people I know, don't read the traditional newspaper anymore, opting for a brief visit to the website and choosing other online resources for news and current events. I don't even design many newspaper ads anymore—a sign of the times.

Anyway, I was able to score a couple of tickets to "Youth in Revolt" for tomorrow night (thanks Jeezy) at the DeVargas Theater.

It stars Michael Cera (the baby daddy in "Juno") it also stars Ray Liotta (whtevas) and Steve Buscemi (who I have liked in everything I have seen him in). The mom is played by Jean Smart from that 80's TV series about a bunch of old ladies lounging around the living room of a victorian house in Atlanta—it's nice to see she is still alive.

The movie is supposed to be out in general release next month.

Here is the trailer:




In order to further my reputation as Greatest Theatre Critic of All Time, I will certainly let you know what I think of the film next week.
email me: Teezy



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Thursday, December 3, 2009

Morning Snow in Santa Fe

Snow in my Courtyard

I woke up to snow this morning. I actually like it when it snows in the evenings—it is a nice surprise in the morning. Everything looks clean and new. All I wanted to do was make a cup of coffee and sit on the portàl and watch the snowflakes.

But, I have bills to pay, so it is off to the land of deadlines, photo shoots, pre flight, press checks and design, design, design...

Sadly, my life is not a Folgers commercial.

email me: Teezy



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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Teezy's Turkey Tamaleeze

In part two of my attempt to show the kinder and gentler side of my personality, I have agreed to show my fat and slovenly friends and family members how to make Teezy's Turkey Tamaleeze.

I will warn you now that this recipe contains no lard, so many of you may choose not to continue reading this post. For those daring enough to eat lard-free tamales, please enjoy...

Before you start anything you have to soak the corn husks in hot water. Place a plate on top of the husks to keep them submerged. They need to soak for at least one hour.

Turkey Filling Recipe:
(The amounts of all ingredients are to taste and are determined by the amount of turkey or chicken)
Cooked Turkey or Chicken
*Optional*Crumbled Bacon (about two slices)
Green Bell Pepper (diced)
Red Bell Pepper (diced)
Yellow Bell Pepper (diced)
White or Yellow Onion (diced)
Tomato (seeds removed and finely diced)
Corn
Carrot (shredded)
Roasted Green Chile (peeled, seeded and diced—you can use canned)
Tomatillo Sauce (you can use canned)
Thyme
Garlic
Cumin
Salt and Pepper

chop all the vegetables

Finished Turkey Filling

Throw all the filling junk into a bowl and stir. This is what the finished filling should look like. Add the Thyme, Salt, Pepper, Cumin and Garlic to taste. You can also add jalapeño or chipotle if you want spicy.

Now you have to make the Masa.

Masa Recipe:
4 Cups White Masa Flour
3 tsp salt
1 tsp Garlic Powder
1 tsp Chile Powder
2 tbs Corn (or to taste)
1 tbs chopped Green Chile (or to taste)
1 Cup Corn Oil
2 1/2 Cups Broth (Turkey or Chicken)

Put all the Masa stuff in a bowl and knead it until it is thoroughly mixed. It should form a ball and be about the consistency of peanut butter. You can add more Masa flour or stock as needed.


Golf Ball sized Hunk of Masa on Corn Husk

Pat one of the soaked corn husks on a towel to remove any excess moisture. Yank off a golf ball sized chunk of Masa and place it in the center of the corn husk.

Smashed Masa on Corn Husk

With your fingers (please wash your hands) spread the Masa over the center of the corn husk as pictured above. Make sure that the Masa goes all the way to the large end of the corn husk but leave about one inch from the small end.

Filling the Tamale

Now glop some of the filling down the center of the Masa as shown in the picture above.

Yellow Turd-looking Thing

Now pick up the corn husk and bring the two sides together to wrap the filling with the Masa. This stuff is kind of like playdough. You have to press it together a little bit but it will stick and form this yellow turd-looking thing.

Rolled Tamale

Roll the corn husk around the tamale trying to keep it tight but without squeezing all the gunk out.

Finished Tamale

Finish the tamale by folding the narrow end of the corn husk up forming a flap that closes the bottom end of the tamale.


Tamales in Steamer

Keep rolling tamales for what seems like forever and stack them open ends up in the basket of a steamer as pictured above.

Steaming Tamales

Place a damp towel over the tamales, cover and steam. It takes about 30 minutes to one hour depending on how many tamales there are, how big they are, etc. The Masa should be firm and cooked through when finished. In other words, don't eat raw food you idiots.

OMG, I just posted a recipe on my blog. I am morphing into an oblivious soccer mom just like Blogger predicted—what's next? Will I turn into a filthy cat lady?

Help Me...

email me: Teezy



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Christmas Decorations from the House of Steeze

In an effort to show my warm and cuddly bits to the world, I have agreed to post some Christmas decoration pix.

I have to say that I do have some reservations about posting something as personal as pictures of the inside of my home on the internet. I was watching a movie about a girl named Sarah who posted some personal stuff about herself and pretty soon bunches of creepy freaks were all up in her business:

Terrifying isn't it?

So, to pacify all my nosy relatives, I am going to go ahead and post the pictures that were requested, and I am just hoping that no weirdo ends up asking me what color panties I am wearing the next time I go to the movies.

Also, please notice that it is December 1st and there are NO gifts under my tree. Please feel free to rectify this situation by sending me my gifts as soon as possible.







email me: Teezy


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It's All Request Week at KCTZ!


Since the Thanksgiving holiday I have received several emails that seem to have a common thread. As many of you may know, I am usually just not interested in doing things that other people ask me to do, and I certainly have what can easily be called disdain for doing what I am told. Therefore, it may come as a surprise to some of you that, for some unknown reason, I have decided to bear my warm and cuddly bits to the world and grant a few email requests.


First, to those that I will refer to as "The Voyeurs" (you know who you are):

Since you obviously do not have satisfying lives of your own and all of you seem to have some strange need to live vicariously through me, I will grant your requests and post some pictures of the holiday decorations at the house of Steeze.

Second, to those that I will refer to as "The Fat and Slovenly" (you know who you are):

In spite of the fact that I made and gave away more than four dozen tamales over the Thanksgiving weekend, it seems that some chubs out there feel that either they did not get enough or simply want more to shove into their relentlessly hungry face-holes. Therefore, I will do a post showing you how to make tamales, although I have a feeling that once you read the post you will classify making tamales as "exercise" and will refuse to get off your asses and do it.

Wow, spreading all this warmth, kindness and love does make me feel better. Sometimes I amaze myself at how truly gracious and benevolent I can be.

email me: Teezy



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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving




As I write this there are about thirteen people, calling themselves "friends" and "family", that are descending on Santa Fe and my home expecting food.

Since nobody seems to be capable of providing me with an accurate head-count, I think that I will be serving cereal.

What I do know is that seven of them are going to be house guests! We are going to be stacked like hamsters in the house of Steeze.

Needless to say, I have already started drinking and, with luck, I will be able to maintain the buzz through the weekend. Therefore I will not be posting for the next couple of days.

Since I am not a "funny facty" kind of guy I am going to provide you with a woefully serious fact about myself:

My father's family is French-German and my mother's family is Cherokee.

So what does that make me? All kinds of strange.

I look just like my mother's side of the family:

That isn't a picture of me. These guys are from like the 1730's. It's the best I could do. A Google search of "Cherokee" just brings up pictures of cars.

There's a lot of that strangeness on the interweb. Search "Sequoia" and you get a bunch of trees, "Seattle" you get pics of some city in Washington, "Pontiac" and you guessed it, more cars. And the list goes on and on...

Anyway, as I said, my features are just like my mother's side of the family but I inherited my father's blue eyes and shockingly white skin.

My brother on the other hand, looks like my father's side of the family but inherited brown eyes and dark skin. Go figure.

We grew up in a very white neighborhood in a very white city. My family were reasonably affluent and educated. My father was a chemical engineer doing research for a large petroleum conglomerate and my mother stayed home until my brother and I were in our teens. She then went to work as an international cost account analyst for TRW. We were members of the country club and my parents were active in the community and the church. Basically we were the stereotypical fluffy Wonder Bread kind of family.

Except for one really big thing...

People would call my brother "colored" and look shocked when they found out that we were related.

Some parents didn't want their kids to play with him.

Salespeople would follow my brother around the store to keep an eye on him.

When my brother was old enough to drive he was constantly stopped by the police because he looked suspicious—not once did he ever receive a ticket for doing anything wrong.

And this wasn't like in the 1950's. This was the seventies and eighties.

He always pretended that he didn't notice. But, hell, even I noticed and I was a few years younger than him. At the time I just didn't understand why some people thought that my big brother was bad.

So I guess what I am saying is that I am thankful for learning about the stupidity of discrimination at such an early age.

I am also going to embarrass myself by saying that although I am glad that I learned about racism early, I am also glad that I didn't have to experience any of it.

Discrimination is vile.

But, unfortunately, still rampant in our world.

Because of that I am sad to say that I am truly thankful that I was born a male that looks white.

So to all my homies on the rez, here's a little video about genocide to get the Thanksgiving holiday started:


email me: Teezy



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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

California Dreaming

The comments in my last post made me remember a little documentary about living in Los Angeles.

Please enjoy...(language NSFW) :)




email me: Teezy



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Monday, November 23, 2009

Commuting in Santa Fe

View from the gate of my courtyard to a neighbors house

Sheezy asked me to post a vid of my commute to work and back. It usually takes me about ten minutes (one way) to get to work so I have had to do quite a bit of editing (sorry Sheezy—I don't think anyone wants to watch a 20 minute video of me driving).

I also don't want all you crazies out there to know how to get to my house or office.

Please enjoy...



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Friday, November 20, 2009

For Immediate Release: Teezy has Become a World Famous Theater Critic!

Teezy—assuming my newly appointed role as preeminent critic of all things steeze

For what seems like days and days, I have been writing critical essays on the evaluation of theater and the performing arts in Santa Fe, receiving little support, much less acclaim from the literary community or my intellectual peers.

I must say that I certainly understand that my opposition to what I believe to be the ubiquitous blurring of the difference between serious objective discourse and mere public relations schemes can appear threatening to those less enlightened.

I also realize that when reviewing theater, most of the Santa Fe literati seem to be more focused on glib commentary influenced by facile partisanship rather than responsible and unbiased journalism. Consequently, I am both vilified and ignored by the local intelligentsia covetous of my lucid and superior critiques.

Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce that I, your always humble and obsequious Teezy, have had my review of Aida at the Lensic Theater in Santa Fe published by one of, if not the most important and influential (online) literary journals in all the WORLD!!

Yes, it is the incomparable, one and only, Eureka Theatre Company!! (dot com)

They even spell Theater TheatRE! That's pure class you idiots.

If you are feeling up to the challenge of some meaningful intellectual literature, you can see my professionally published (online) review here. (Sorry, you will have to scroll down past the video of the American Idol guy and then past the article about some murdered dude in Espanola.)

But, right under that is:

Aida at the Lensic Theater, Santa Fe
by Teezy

My own byline even!


Now that I have made it to the top of the heap, I promise that I will not forget the little, little people whom I have triumphed over. You will always be in my memories.

It is unfortunate that I was unable to get any footage of the actual performance (I used a clip of the "Put the F*cking Lotion in the Basket" duetto from il Silenzo degli Agnelli instead.) Perhaps next time the Lensic will not be so sensitive about me filming copyrighted material.

In case you missed my groundbreaking review of Aida you can check it out here.

email me: Teezy



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