Al Fresco on the Plaza

New Mexico Fine Art Museum

For those of you who are friends, or have been reading this blog, you will know that one of my favorite things about working in downtown Santa Fe is being able to take my lunch break on the Plaza. I am happy to say that for the first time in what seems like days, it has been warm enough to take the leisurely walk from my office to the obelisk where I sit, eat my lunch and watch all the strangeness that we call people.

Teezy's famous apple lunch

You may also know from my previous Fatnip post that I generally have an apple for my lunch break which seems to prompt all sorts of whack fat-asses to waddle up to me and comment on my personal appearance.

Guitar Guy on the Plaza

I sat next to this guitar guy on the obelisk. He was very good and it is always nice to have some live music during lunch. Later in the season there will be all sorts of entertainment—from belly dancers to harpists, jugglers and, of course mariachi.

Santa Fe Plaza Christmas Tree

I am well aware that we are having budget cutbacks in New Mexico, but the fact that the Christmas decorations are still up on the Plaza in March is a little disheartening—although, as you can see in the photo above, there is still a little snow on the ground.

Since I have been waiting patiently for spring, seeing a giant Christmas tree on the Plaza, reminding me that it is still officially winter, was a little irritating.

But, all of a sudden, a cool breeze swept in from the north. The Christmas tree swayed slightly causing it's lights to twinkle and the dusty star to glisten once again in the late winter sun. Everyone on the Plaza stopped for a moment—even guitar guy paused mid-refrain. And there, in that hushed silence, an ever so faint sound of jingle bells could be heard.

Then, with all the stale and left-over Christmasy magicalness that was remaining in the season, something miraculous happened.

Crack Santa appeared!!!

Crack Santa and Mrs. Claus

I know we have all heard the rumors about Santa hittin the pipe after Christmas but I never thought that I would ever witness the results—much less sitting on a park bench directly in front of me. Even Mrs. C seemed a little tweaked—but she kept her eyes on the cop car the entire time.

Smart woman.

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Another Valentine's Day has Passed

I hope that everyone out there had a spectacular Valentine's Day and was able to do all the wonderful stuff that people do on such a loving and superficial made-up holiday.

Being truly sentimental at heart, every year I do the somewhat cliché but always appreciated romantic evening at home. I get dressed up in a jacket and tie and put on a little cologne. I prepare a nice intimate meal by the fireplace, always with a good bottle of wine. Of course I light candles to give just the right ambience and provide that warm glow of love. And yes, I play some soft romantic jazz on the stereo to set the mood.

After a leisurely dinner it is time to retire to the bedroom where I have previously pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and covered the bed with hundreds of rose petals. I pop the cork on a chilled bottle of champagne, pour, and begin to get undressed slowly. I climb into bed, sip my champagne, and lie there alone, amid the rose petals, wondering why no one will ever love me.

But this year was different—I actually interacted with other people.

Reezy's Valentine's Day Buffet

My friend Reezy had decided to have a dinner party and was kind enough to invite me. There was a great turn out. I got to see many old friends and meet some new ones and, as you can see in the photo above, the food was incredible.

Surprisingly, I was only sightly humiliated by the fact that I was the only one there alone. Even the gay guys who aren't in relationships brought girl dates—what's up with that? I was going to call them on it but, after a few champagne cocktails, I decided to simply lie and tell everyone that my date was in the bathroom. As the evening progressed and I began to get questioned about the bathroom answer, I cleverly stated that my date had been suffering from diarrhea for what seemed like weeks—I think they bought it because everyone stopped asking me about it.

We all decided to go for a nightcap at Vanessie, a very nice restaurant with a piano bar. The entertainment was pleasant—sentimental love songs with a nice piano accompaniment—and there was a good sized crowd enjoying the show.

The evening ended with an art photographer sitting down next to me at our table and asking me to consider being photographed by her—NUDE! She even tried to get my friends to coax me into doing it. Of course, being the shy and modest person that I am, I said no, but she said that if I was uncomfortable we could start with shots from just the waist up. But that doesn't seem like much fun. I have to admit, seeing my tickle-bits dangling in an art gallery not only makes me chuckle but intrigues me a little bit.

Believe it or not, the photographer is legit—she has done fashion, portraits, and magazine work as well as art photography. Who knows, some day there may be nekid pictures of Teezy in galleries and museums everywhere! I'll keep you posted.

And mom, it is not porn if it is in a gallery—it's erotic ART!!

I will leave you with a little side-hug action to show all of you my love (in a "I gots to have abstinence" kind of way):

You had better beware if you see me coming at you "front hug bound with that look in my eye"!

Fortunately, someone had the good sense to shoot them all dead at the end of the show—you know how those fundamental Christians and their guns can be.

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Dash Cam—Winter Edition

After the huge box office success of my last film titled "Commuting in Santa Fe" (it has had over fifty views so far!!), I have decided to release a Director's Cut sequel titled "Commuting in Santa Fe—Winter".

This new release contains never seen before footage revealing the intimate and often disturbing world of one man's winter commute within Santa Fe County. This critically acclaimed thrill-a-minute feature is both shockingly real and emotionally poignant and will leave audiences questioning their own drive-time and wanting more.

This film is not yet rated but is intended for mature audiences.

Snowy Commute in Santa Fe

Courtyard Snow, Santa Fe

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Super Whut?

Someone just told me that this is Super Bowl weekend. If you aren't familiar with the event, it's like this game that someone thought would be cool to put on television—all day. Some people even watch it just for the commercials—whtevs—I can't get to my remote fast enough to skip that commercial shit, but to each their own.

Something about the broadcast also compels people to eat all sorts of crazy-ass crap—basically anything that is fried, comes with a dipping sauce or is topped with melted Velveeta. The one really good thing to come from the Super Bowl is the freedom to drink beer all day without judgement. For that alone Super Bowl should become a national holiday.

Before you get all excited I have to tell you that even though it is called "Super Bowl", from my understanding, it has very little to do with bowling—I think that they are just trying to trick people into watching.

Since I am probably the only person left in the United States that does not have cable television, the Super Bowl really puts a kink in my weekend pleasurable pursuits. Since it is believed that everyone in the world will be watching the Super Bowl, the other television networks tend to broadcast really lame junk so it basically renders the television useless for the majority of the day.

Therefore, I have been forced to make other plans.

I have decided to begin the weekend by laying down some dope rhyme with my homies in the neighborhood. Word, we gonna be bringin' that next level shit y'all. Check out a recent vid:

Can I touch you friend?

And, no that's not me flinging my tickle-bits around in the Pink Floyd undies. I'm, of course, the guy with the 40. Remind me and I'll invite all of you to one of our block parties this summer—they're totally rad.

I have loaded a bunch of beer in the fridge and a bunch movies in the queue for Sunday. I don't have any Velveeta to melt on stuff, but I am certain that I can make my own out of food coloring and Crisco.

If you have forgotten that it is Super Bowl weekend and haven't had a chance to grab some movies yet, I will leave you with a little flick to watch about some srsly whack dolls that scare me.

Merry Super Bowl! or Happy Super Bowl! or whatever the hell you are supposed to say.

Alma from Rodrigo Blaas on Vimeo.

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Guns Don't Kill People...Babies Kill People

Guys selling Pinon firewood from their trucks In my neighborhood

You may have noticed that my posts lately have been primarily about me, me, me and very little about living in Santa Fe. There are good reasons for this.

First, I find the subject of me to be endlessly fascinating and, unlike some of my family and friends, I do not find the topic "tiresome" or "tedious" or "relentlessly uninteresting".

Second, as seen in the photo above of some guys selling Pinon firewood, it is still winter in Santa Fe and I have a tendency to hibernate. I am certain that there are a lot of interesting things going on here, but who cares? it's cold.

And third, I believe that I am developing a little touch of agoraphobia because of recent happenings both online and within my proximity.

Recently some 22 year old dilt in Albuquerque named Dante Aikins went to the theater to see "Avitar". Evidently it was a popular excursion because the theater was completely filled with movie-goers anxiously waiting to be entertained.

I know that we all sneak things into the movies. I simply wont leave for the theater without my pockets filled with Funyuns, a delisiciousy grilled cheese samich, some gummi worms and my flask of vodka. Evidently Dante Aikins also chooses to sneak things into the theater but, instead of the wholesome goodness of processed food products and liquor, Dante likes to fill his pockets with loaded weaponry.

I am certain that Dante's little gun friend makes him feel all powerful and important like—I am sure that Mr. Gun tells Dante that he is a big man. Unfortunately, while Dante was fondling Mr. Gun in the theater he accidentally dropped it on the floor causing it to discharge into the crowded room hitting one person in the foot.

What did Dante do?

He got up out of his seat, squealed "Who's shooting fireworks in here" and ran to the nearest Red Roof Inn where he was subsequently arrested.

Idiot.

The way I see it, Mr. Gun is like Mary Kate and Ashley. Yes, privately you are friends, they make you feel important and occasionally you might even be caught fondling them. But good Lord, you sure as hell don't want to take those trolls out in public. Stop embarrassing yourself Dante and leave Mr. Gun at home.

I know that Dante is probably a product of his environment and upbringing. One of my new besties that I found through Blogger's New and Improved Next Blog Link posted a little training video from their compound in Georgia that illustrates that it is never too early to teach children the laugh-out-loud humor and family fun associated with shooting guns and the kill.

Babies Kill People
by santafesteeze

I wont post their names or a link to their blog because, quite frankly, they terrify me. With daddy asking "Do you like it?" and the sister-wife in the background shouting "Again, Again!", the trajectory of this child's destiny is nearly certain—baby Dante.

And you know that sister-wife's directive to "shoot those waskely wabbits" is just code for "kill weft wing wiberals". Besides, shouldn't her ass be in the kitchen or laundry room or birthin' another baby. I think daddy needs to spend less time teaching junior to fire weapons and concentrate on keeping sister-wife's mouth shut.

And it doesn't stop there.

Just a couple of days ago another window-licker (probably Dante's cousin) stole a parvo and ringworm infected Rottweiler puppy from an Albuquerque animal shelter. What kind of stupid turd steals a dog from an animal shelter? The whole intent of the animal shelter is to GIVE animals away. A friend of mine that volunteers at the Santa Fe animal shelter told me that they will even work with individuals to help reduce or eliminate the nominal spay/neuter fee if necessary.

Idiot.

Meanwhile, the Albuquerque animal shelter is begging that the dog be returned for medical treatment because not only is the dog extremely contagious, but could quite possibly die from the infection.

So there you have it—important events in Santa Fe and beyond. Now I think that you can easily understand why during the winter months I choose to hibernate and tend to dwell on the ever pleasant subject that is me. It sure beats getting shot by children or getting infected with ringworm. Danger, danger, danger—it's everywhere!

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Statcounter Makes me Laugh...

Sunset From My Office Window

Mormons, Mormons, Mormons, Mormons, Mormons, Mormons

Typically my little blog only receives about 50 hits a day. Most are from family and friends, some are people who just stumble across it probably looking for something else, and there are a few who find Santa Fe Steeze by using the New and Improved Next Blog Link —and I'm OK with that. But it is nice to see that occasionally someone from some other part of the world actually arrived on my blog and took a little time to read all this crap that I write. It's even nicer to see a comment from someone—although I am very guilty of not leaving comments as often as I should (I'm trying to work on that).

Well, a few days ago I posted a little something about the Mormons. If you missed it, you can read it here. Within two days of publishing that post I had received literally hundreds of hits. Not to the Santa Fe Steeze home page but to that specific post. The hits were coming from all over the United States and, probably no surprise, the majority were from Utah. It's like the entire church is monitoring the interwebs. I expect to receive my excommunication notice via email—they're all techie like that.

So in an effort to drive a little more traffic to my site I have decided to occasionally throw the word "Mormon" into some of my posts. We'll see if it works.

I use a site called Statcounter to provide me information about who is visiting my blog. It doesn't give any real specifics, primarily just the ISP location and what pages are being looked at, the length of each visit and images or videos that are downloaded, etc. It's just one of the many web tracker gadgets available, I just happen to prefer it over Google Analytics. One of the best features of Statcounter is that it will show you the referring link so you can see what sites have linked to you and where your visitors are coming from.

By utilizing the referring link information from Statcounter, I have determined that a large portion of the people who are visiting my site are just plain and simple freaks (you know who you are).

I have had seventeen hits from people searching "Demon Cat Face". Who in the hell searches for "Demon Cat Face"? you might ask, well several from Kenya, one from India and the remainder from our own US of A—and every single one of them actually read that post.

It gets stranger.

I have had sixty-three visits from individuals searching for "Chubs"! Lord only knows what they are hoping to find. What is really surprising is that a few of the chub-searchers took the time to read the post. I feel kind of violated, but at least they didn't leave any chub-lovin comments that I would be obligated to reply to.

There is one individual in the UK that has visited my site fourteen times. Each time they have done a search for "5 foot 9, 135 pounds" and each time they go to the same post as the chub-searchers. I don't understand reading the same post fourteen times—friggin nut. And, if you are going to come back to the same post over and over again, just bookmark the damn page, don't keep doing the stupid search.

Seven people have found my site by searching "Mr. Pickles", which I think is a a west coast restaurant chain. Again, the strange thing is that most stayed on the site long enough to read the post—which is obviously not about deliciousy pickle-covered samiches.

I have had eleven people find my site by searching "SILF". It's just truly disturbing and I am not going to comment further on that.

And finally, perhaps the most unsettling of all are the two people who searched "Pale+Thin+Hairless" and ended up on my batboy post.

Creepy.

But all in all, it makes me laugh. Just as I got a kick out of all the Google ads for anorexia and bulimia clinics on my blogs sidebar when I posted my "fatnip" story.

But the truth be told, I am really glad that all this strangeness is visiting my blog—I believe we may be kindred spirits. So, no matter which way you're twisted, if you visit my blog I will Luvz U 4Evas!! 4reals!

I think that I have decided that my New Year's resolutions should be to occasionally throw the word "Mormon" into my posts, blog a little more about Mr. Pickles and Ticklebits, and add a random bit of sheep, chub and pale-skinny-hairless porn to my site.

We'll see...

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It's Still Winter in Santa Fe

View of my Front Courtyard

By the time January rolls around, I am pretty tired of winter and am anxiously waiting for spring. January and Santa Fe both know this and insist on reminding me that winter is still here. The first of three winter storms has hit Santa Fe. The storms are coming in from California where I hear that by the end of the week they may receive 20 inches of rain and up to 10 feet of snow in Mammoth Mountain.

This first wave dumped about 12 inches of snow at my house so far—it is supposed to be the weakest of the three storms so I will just have to wait and see what happens next.

Walls surrounding my back yard

We have an alley system in my neighborhood. My garage is located at the back of my house and my driveway connects to the alley. Snow had already drifted up the garage door this morning. Thank-you to the inventors of four wheel drive—I needed it just to get down my driveway.

My Neighborhood Church

One nice thing about Pueblo Style architecture is the organic tone of it's structure and the way it appears in the landscape—especially in the snow.

Snowy Commute into Town

Most of my commute was snow packed this morning as you can see in the photos above. I don't mind so much, it's really kind of nice—little traffic (although there never is much), a slow pace and spectacular scenery. It reminds me of why I moved to Santa Fe. Often I get in a rush or become preoccupied and fail to take a breath and simply look around.

Old Santa Fe Trail and Paseo de Peralta

By the time I reached downtown the streets were wet but clear. Legislature is in session and the state capitol building is behind the trees on the left side of the photo. I saw quite a few people having to walk down the slushy sidewalks today to the capitol and from what the forecast says, it is just going to get snowier.

I am still anxious for spring, but days like today remind me how beautiful winter can be.

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