Blogger Thinks That I am a Cat Lady, a Soccer Mom, or Some Other Random Freak

I've actually read Orwell's 1984 and am abundantly aware of the ramifications of life in a "Big Brother" society. 

To some of it I say bring it on—my life is a well-crafted and intricate web of deceit that would boggle even the greatest masterminds of our time.  

But what I believe to be the far-reaching implications of basic consumer technology terrifies me.

We are tracked, observed, and studied with our credit card transactions, our cell phones, our browser history, our MyFace pages, our Twatter, and the list goes on and on...

I know that there is someone out there in cyberland observing me at this very moment, adding to my "file".

Even Blogger requires that you provide the Google beast with all sorts of personal information before you can start a blog. 

But, could Blogger be the warm-fuzzy side of my Big Bro?

 

Is Blogger attempting to utilize it's plethora of personal information to provide me with customized service?

According to Helen Kang,  Blogger's Software Engineer, they are.  

I was reading the "Blogger Buzz" section in my blog's dashboard and saw the article about the new and improved "View Next Blog" link that appears at the top of most blogger pages (you have to remove it from the template if you choose not to have it appear on your site). 

Helen states:

"The new and improved Next Blog link will now take you to a blog with similar content, in a language that you understand. If you are reading a Spanish blog about food, the Next Blog link will likely take you to another blog about food. In Spanish!"

In Spanish! no less. Sounds cool, I guess.

But Ms. Kang doesn't stop there. She teases you with the prospect of connecting with someone just like you:

"You might discover a cool blogger who has hobbies similar to yours, has similar taste in electronic gadgets, likes sports that you're into, or has similar curiosities and interests".

I have hobbies, I like gadgets and you don't even want to get me started about my special "curiosities" and "interests".  I felt as if Helen was speaking directly to my soul.

Could it really be true? After reading the article I was so excited. I was ready to try it out. Today was going to be the day that I found a friend. I would be able to validate my suspicions that I am not completely and utterly alone—that there are real people out there who are just like me.

Even though this pilfering of personal information frightens  me, I could not wait to get started. I knew with the life dossier that I had been required to give Blogger to start my site, combined with all my posts, Google searches, Gmails, etc., that Blogger had a bevy of like-minded individuals in the queue just waiting to be introduced to someone like me. 

I quickly brought up my home page and clicked on the "View Next Blog" link.

The first blog came up and I immediately began reading the latest post.  

It was written by some SRSLY! f*ckd-up 42 year old single barren woman complaining that her mother doesn't like it when she refers to her cats as her mother's "grandkitties", and how upsetting it is that her mother refuses to speak to her "grandkitties" on the telephone.

OH HELL NO!!!

I may be all kinds of crazy, but I aint no cat lady.

I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach.  I felt dirty. 

I could almost smell the cat piss and pebble covered turds that comprise that woman's existence.  How could Blogger think that this abomination was "a cool blogger that has hobbies similar to yours"?

I knew that it had to be a mistake—perhaps I double clicked the link by accident—perhaps my request just got sidetracked in the vastness that is the interweb.

I went back to my home page and tried again and again and again...

Time after time I ended up on some soccer mom's site showing pix of monkey-looking kids doing stupid shit that the parents evidently thought was brilliant.  I think that the only time on my site that I have even mentioned kids was when I was drinking in front of them. I certainly do not have any little snot-makers of my own.

But what could be worse than Blogger thinking that I could relate to oblivious soccer moms and filthy cat people?

Up pops blogs in all sorts of distasteful third-world languages.  All the scrawls and squiggles made my head spin—so archaic.

I'm an American damn it. 

What? does Blogger think that I floated over here on a beer cooler? 

Bite me Helen Kang—you don't know me—how dare you judge me and pick out such shitty prospective friends for me.  You suck.

The only time that I got something useful from Big Bro technology was when a friends TiVo scanned my brain and picked this out for me:

It has turned out to be the perfect accessory for me.  I have even fashioned a discreet  belt loop clipping device so I don't ever have to be without it.

Teezy wearing my Comfort Wipe Holster

But before you get any entrepreneurial ideas, I am currently working on the patent and will be selling on eBay soon.  

I will also have trendy crocheted cozies on my Esty page—check back often!

email me:  Teezy

Tweet

If you enjoyed this post, please follow Santa Fe Steeze using the links below: