Chile RistraYes, today is the birthday of the state of New Mexico. On January 6th, 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state just before Alaska, Hawaii and some other state.
A little trivia—New Mexico is the 5th largest state and the 6th most sparsely inhabited (there are only 16 of us per square mile). (The internet and Wikipedia make me look smart.)
When you put it in perspective, New Mexico being 98 years old today is really nothing compared to the 400th anniversary of Santa Fe, so I am not getting too excited about the event. Besides, New Mexico never gave me anything for my birthday, never gave me a party or even sent a card for that matter. I don't know why I expect more from New Mexico, it's a typical relationship for me—I give and give and give and receive little or nothing in return.
But, I choose to rise above the personal neglect that I have received from New Mexico and offer a few words of wisdom as a gift to the birthday boy:
As many of you may know, New Mexico is resplendent with chile. Hell, even McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's serve green chile cheeseburgers on their value menus here—such wonderful, deliciousy goodness. Unfortunately, our beloved spicy pastime comes with a serious price.
A recent scientific study entitled, "Red Hot Chilli Consumption Is Harmful in Patients Operated for Anal Fissure—A Randomized, Double-Blind, Controlled Study" has finally proven without a doubt that too much of the good stuff can literally burn your ass!! These dedicated scientists realized the need for groundbreaking research into the causality of eating chile and rectal pain and have discovered a direct correlation between the two. Especially susceptible are those countless millions of individuals who have had a sphincterotomy.
Normally I don't condone elective cosmetic surgery—I see it as vanity in it's purest form, but the sphincterotomy seems just a little bit different to me.
Ugly, misshapen and aging sphincters are such a total turn-off, that I simply can't say that I would never choose to have a little no-no lift if my Mr. Pucker started to sag or show the tell-tale signs of aging. Let's just hope that that never happens.
Anyway, test subjects were recruited to determine the effects of chile consumption on the anus and the results were shocking.
Take a look at this: !!!
| Fig. 1. Effect of chilli consumption and placebo on anal pain in the first 7 days after sphincterotomy. |
Pain I tell you!! It spikes at day two but never completely goes away. Our little chile friends can bite.
So, my advice to New Mexico on it's 98th birthday...
Be careful with the chile, at your age you might catch your ass on fire and...
You're 98, if your no-no is droopy there is no shame in a little cosmetic surgery.
Happy Birthday New Mexico!!
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I don't know if I should be the one breaking the news, but New Mexico is fucking around on you with Husker jock Nebraska. I bumped into her at the local Piggly Wiggly (I went to buy Pampers) and she said she feels safe in his stong arms and hands (Nebraska is the birthplace of the vice-grip).
ReplyDeleteTold you she was a slut bro, but check this, Maryland wants your number (she isn't seeing Michigan anymore).
Well that's just dandy.
ReplyDeleteAll of my relationships have been abusive—I guess it kind of turns me on.
No thanks on the pity date. Maryland is fugly and I don't want to wake up to none ofthis.
Hey Ahole, I forgot to ask-
ReplyDeleteWho are the Piggly Wiggly Pampers for, you or Russ?
I may get off on abuse, but the diaper kink is srsly twisted. :)
i commented on your last post but you didnt give me a real answer.
ReplyDeletei meant what is your real name not your fake avatar name.
Well, another bold question from a person named Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteAre you making fun of my Turkmenistanian heritage? ;)
As I explained on my last post my name is Teezy.
I don't mean to be rude to you, but you have to understand that Santa Fe is a small community and I post a lot of stupid crap on this blog and quite frankly I am completely embarrassed and humiliated by it.
I have to maintain some anonymity for fear that the people around me will find out how disturbing and repugnant I really am.
Also, if you have been reading this blog then you must remember Sarah and her ordeal with all the whack-o's speculating about her panities. I definitely don't want that to happen to me.
I am certain that you can relate "Anonymous" and I appreciate your understanding.
The Pampers are for our fake babies. We have to keep up the facade for tax purposes. I usually don't make it a habit of defrauding the government, but Red Lobster dinners aren't going to pay for themselves.
ReplyDeleteYou sure are fucking pushy Anon.
Hey AHole, can me haz some fake babies?
ReplyDeleteI file my taxes as single, and as you well know our "Get married and procreate" or "Be divorced with an assload of chilluns" tax laws screw me every year.
Me luuuvs the Red Lobsters...
I'll see what kids I have left...I put them someplace...If I backtrack I'm almost positive I'll find them.
ReplyDelete